Back home

well I'm now back home after my week away. Leaving was much harder than I thought. To begin with, my last day was just like any other day there then I texted a friend to say I was all set to leave and the tears started. I guess it was the thought of leaving the new friends I'd made. I've certainly learned a lot from this week away. Most of all, I've learned that I'm actually much better off when I'm around people and I can cope with having people so close to me. Before this break, I thought I was best off being a solitary person and I could never live with other people.

It didn't take me too long to get used to being back, I've already been online ordering more clothes and software and am gradually catching up on all the telly I recorded over the week. I'm not sure how I'll manage with the change of sounds and lack of people but it's going well so far at least I can now smoke indoors, something I've not been able to do all week and I don't seem to be feeling as tired as I was this morning. I'm hoping that the benefit that I got from this week will carry on, everyone said how much more relaxed I was by the end of my stay, now if only that feeling will stay with me!

Finally there!

Well I finally made it to respite after a tremendous amount of red tape! I've reached the halfway point of my stay. The day I left home was fraught with red tape and I really thought I'd never make it here but shortly after 4pm I had arrived.
It was too late for me to go shopping so I had a meal cooked by the manager. Luckily, the previous ICB (in crisis bed) person had left a few essentials like tea & coffee to tide me over until the next day when I would have to shop for my own food.
I've been really surprised by how well I've adapted to living with people. I guess it helps if those people are welcoming & helpful. My fellow residents are certainly that and they've reallyvhelped me settle in. My biggest worry now is, how do I cope going back to living on my own? I also wonder what habits I'll slip back into - I've got a good routine here and having people check on me for medication and food has really helped. Also, because I have to smoke outside, I'm getting plenty of exercise going up & down the stairs every time I want to smoke. Not forgetting, of course, the new friends I've made.
Maybe it's too early to be thinking about negative things like that. Perhaps I'll just focus on the roast lunch that I'll be getting tomorrow!
Oh yes, and watch all the rugby that's on the telly.

48 hours to go

I'm now counting down the hours until I got to respite (it's probably less than 48 hours by now but this is a rough guess). Last night, I was drooling over TV cards for my new laptop as I want to be able to watch TV while in respite but don't want the fuss of bringing my TV. Originally, I was going to be really good and get the bus into town to pick up the item I'd reserved at PC World but I really didn't have the energy today so, being Sunday and probably quiet on the roads at 11am, I decided to take the risk and drive.

Luckily, I made it there and back in one piece but I now realise that I'm not fit to drive as I felt very unsafe and made several basic errors that I wouldn't normally make. At least I know by experience that I'm not fit to drive so I don't feel guilty about relying on my friend to drive me to places. Also, I now have everything I could possible need while at respite, all I have to do is check what I've already packed and add in the few items that are still missing.

I did get a phone call from the HTT earlier but decided I didn't need to see them today, maybe because the 6 Nations rugby is on the TV and I didn't want them interrupting it. Besides, they'll have to come tomorrow with my medication and it'll give them time to find answers to my questions about respite. Although I'm quite stressed and anxious, I'm doing my best to distract myself (this blog being one of the skills) and have managed to stay safe for the last few days which is a major achievement for me!

Lazy Saturday

Actually, this didn't start out as a lazy Saturday as the postman woke me up just after 9am knocking on my door to give me an envelope that wouldn't fit through my door. As I was still half asleep, I decided to go back to bed for a couple of hours - 9am isn't a time of day that my body recognises!! The rest of the day has been pretty good for a change, I had a decent night's sleep (always a big plus point in my book) and the new medication I've been put on for my diabetes seems to be working as my blood sugars were down to single figures for the first time since New Year's Day.

It's still hard for me to remember exactly what I've just done as several of my pills affect my short term memory, but I do know that I cleared some space on my old laptop and downloaded some music. I pay a monthly subscription to get 40 tracks a month and I haven't visited that site for quite a while, partly because of my mood and partly because of the lack of space on my hard drive. As I'd been away for so long, the site offered me a month free, why they wanted me to confirm it, I don't know, who would turn down 40 tracks for free? At least I've now got some new music to listen to while I'm away next week.

I did have a bit of a setback later in the day, I went to upgrade my music writing software, paid my money and then found I couldn't download the update due to red tape. A couple of weeks ago, this would have resulted in some serious self harm by me but all I did today was shout and swear and then fire off a couple of emails asking for help sorting it out. This is real progress for me and shows me that ,as much as I hate them, the pills are working - just don't tell anyone I said it! I've also managed to wash and change my bedding for the first time in absolutely ages which makes me wonder exactly what the meds are doing to me, maybe I'll come out of this a totally reformed character.

My week in respite is approaching very fast, in less than 72 hours I'll be there and I still haven't checked my packing list. Admittedly, I didn't really unpack from when I first thought I was going so there shouldn't be too much to bring. It's just a question of sorting out the little things like, should I bring my new laptop or my old one? I guess the only thing I really need the old one for is my music library and that'll be on my iPods that I'm going to take with me so new laptop will get an outing. The feeling I've got about this reminds me of when I used to go away when I worked - a certain amount of anxiety tinged with a degree of excitement about being away. If it's half as good as people have led me to believe, then I'm sure I'll have a good time there and come back ready to face the world as my old self again.

Finally, a good day

Today didn't start to well as I was woken by the postman knocking at the door. As it was after 10 am, I decided there wasn't much point in going back to bed and shortly after getting dressed, I went for a short walk to the chemist to collect my medication. Shortly after I got back, there was another knock at the door which turned out to be a delivery man with some of the goodies I ordered online over the weekend.

At about 1.40pm, my friend phoned me to see how I was which was fortunate as I'd forgotten to take my medication. If she hadn't phoned, I wouldn't have realised until the next reminder on my phone at 3.30 by which time I wouldn't have bothered to take any pills as everything would be out of sync and that's when the trouble would have started.

The really good thing has just happened when I received a phone call from the Home Treatment Team just now. They wanted to know if I wanted the bed in respite from tomorrow for a whole week. For me, that was just too short a notice period, besides, I'm expecting my new laptop to arrive by the end of the week. they were quite happy for me to have it next week so it looks like everything's turning out all right. My gadgets are coming, I've got a new doctor Who DVD to watch and my "holiday" is booked for next week! In the meantime, I'm sitting here getting all excited about the new medication that the nurse is supposed to be bringing over tonight. Things are looking up after all.

Change of Plans

I had hoped to be recovering in respite care today but, like most things, this did not go according to plan. On Monday, my nurse called me to say that the bed was available from next Wednesday so I'd have to wait another week. Even though she hoped I'd be better by then, she said it would still be a good idea to go as I really needed the break. At the time, I was really angry, I'd got my hopes up as I knew that a few days somewhere else with people keeping an eye on me would probably do me the world of good. Looking at it now, I think I may benefit even more as I am slightly better and therefore more aware of what works for me.

This week has been a bit of a struggle. When my nurse visited me, she booked me a GP appointment as my mouth felt like I'd been eating broken glass (not that I'd actually tried that) and I was only able to eat bananas and yogurt. The medication they've put me on has really knocked me for six so I was unable to drive to the doctor and had to use a walking stick to help me keep my balance which made me feel old and sick. As it was an emergency appointment, I had no say in which doctor I saw and so I ended up seeing the one that I really don't like seeing. i know I wasn't totally on the ball but that was no excuse for him to pretty much ignore what I was saying to him. I tried to tell him that my blood sugar levels have been constantly raised since New Year but he was more interested in telling me to make a proper appointment for a diabetes and blood pressure check. As he gets more money if my health reaches certain targets and if I do certain tests, I'm like a little gold mine for him so I felt he should treat me with much more respect.

I'm not sure if it's a side effect of all my medications or just my illness, but my memory is very poor at the moment. I can't believe that it's already Friday and, if you asked me, I couldn't tell you what I've been doing all week apart from watching tv and listening to music in the early hours of the morning because I can't sleep. The not sleeping is really starting to bother me as it throws the whole day out of sync. It's not a proper not sleeping as I do eventually manage to fall into a very deep drug induced sleep which knocks me out until lunchtime. Yesterday, for example, I didn't wake up until after 1p.m. and even then I could have slept for a few more hours. Today, I had to be up at a reasonable time as I had a home visit and I didn't want to still be in bed when the male nurse, who's covering my usual nurse, turned up.

Given that he's not worked with me in a therapeutic way before, we had a fairly productive session although I felt that there were a few things he didn't quite understand about me and how this particular relapse has affected me. Inevitably, the question of the weekend came up along with how I'm going to spend my time and what will I do if I start getting into real trouble. Luckily, I have my one good friend who's been incredibly supportive through all this and she will be coming over to see me tomorrow. Everyone needs a friend like this who will provide home cooked meals and who doesn't mind the long silences when I drift away. Friendship is a difficult thing for me to understand but I do know she's one in a million especially when I call her in the early hours of the morning because the voices are getting too much.

Much as I hate taking medication, I have to confess it does seem to be working. The voice that I was hearing tends to be more muffled for most of the day and the suicide/self harm images are fewer and further apart. Not being able to drive has its good points, I'm saving money on fuel and if I'm not going out, I won't be spending money. If only I can get to grips with feeling like a zombie for most of the day and master my high blood sugar levels.