Change of Plans

I had hoped to be recovering in respite care today but, like most things, this did not go according to plan. On Monday, my nurse called me to say that the bed was available from next Wednesday so I'd have to wait another week. Even though she hoped I'd be better by then, she said it would still be a good idea to go as I really needed the break. At the time, I was really angry, I'd got my hopes up as I knew that a few days somewhere else with people keeping an eye on me would probably do me the world of good. Looking at it now, I think I may benefit even more as I am slightly better and therefore more aware of what works for me.

This week has been a bit of a struggle. When my nurse visited me, she booked me a GP appointment as my mouth felt like I'd been eating broken glass (not that I'd actually tried that) and I was only able to eat bananas and yogurt. The medication they've put me on has really knocked me for six so I was unable to drive to the doctor and had to use a walking stick to help me keep my balance which made me feel old and sick. As it was an emergency appointment, I had no say in which doctor I saw and so I ended up seeing the one that I really don't like seeing. i know I wasn't totally on the ball but that was no excuse for him to pretty much ignore what I was saying to him. I tried to tell him that my blood sugar levels have been constantly raised since New Year but he was more interested in telling me to make a proper appointment for a diabetes and blood pressure check. As he gets more money if my health reaches certain targets and if I do certain tests, I'm like a little gold mine for him so I felt he should treat me with much more respect.

I'm not sure if it's a side effect of all my medications or just my illness, but my memory is very poor at the moment. I can't believe that it's already Friday and, if you asked me, I couldn't tell you what I've been doing all week apart from watching tv and listening to music in the early hours of the morning because I can't sleep. The not sleeping is really starting to bother me as it throws the whole day out of sync. It's not a proper not sleeping as I do eventually manage to fall into a very deep drug induced sleep which knocks me out until lunchtime. Yesterday, for example, I didn't wake up until after 1p.m. and even then I could have slept for a few more hours. Today, I had to be up at a reasonable time as I had a home visit and I didn't want to still be in bed when the male nurse, who's covering my usual nurse, turned up.

Given that he's not worked with me in a therapeutic way before, we had a fairly productive session although I felt that there were a few things he didn't quite understand about me and how this particular relapse has affected me. Inevitably, the question of the weekend came up along with how I'm going to spend my time and what will I do if I start getting into real trouble. Luckily, I have my one good friend who's been incredibly supportive through all this and she will be coming over to see me tomorrow. Everyone needs a friend like this who will provide home cooked meals and who doesn't mind the long silences when I drift away. Friendship is a difficult thing for me to understand but I do know she's one in a million especially when I call her in the early hours of the morning because the voices are getting too much.

Much as I hate taking medication, I have to confess it does seem to be working. The voice that I was hearing tends to be more muffled for most of the day and the suicide/self harm images are fewer and further apart. Not being able to drive has its good points, I'm saving money on fuel and if I'm not going out, I won't be spending money. If only I can get to grips with feeling like a zombie for most of the day and master my high blood sugar levels.