It seems to have been ages since I last posted something. This is a marker of how boring my life is at the moment, I'm still waiting to find out if I've got funding for both my archery and a break I'm hoping to take in the summer. At the moment, I'm being a good little patient and am taking all my pills. The upside of the anti-psychotics is that I don't cry or get worked up but this is also a downside. Life has a very boring flatness to it at the moment - I don't get depressed but I also don't get excited by anything. This makes it quite hard to get motivated to do anything - even getting out of bed in the morning can be a bit of a struggle. On the upside, according to my friend, I'm much easier to deal with when I'm well and I'm much less argumentative.
Another downside of the anti-psychotics are the annoying side effects such as frequent dribbling and an almost constant chewing motion. As a result, I've been put on yet another new med to deal with the side effects. at this rate, I'll end up rattling every time I move. I'm not sure if it's down to this new pill, but I've suffered three hypos in four days which is starting to get me down as they tend to hit at about the same time every day. However, because of my flat mood, I'm not getting that down or annoyed by it.
I've been tempted to stop my meds and have tried a couple of times but it's only lasted a couple of days as I've found myself unable to sleep properly without the drugs. This is then the point where I start to stop my meds long term because I hate the idea of being dependent on drugs to keep me well. Yes, I guess I'm better off when I'm on them even though life seems less interesting but I hate the idea of being controlled by meds. As my mood's stuck in a nowhere land at the moment, maybe I won't get worked up enough to stop everything besides, I've got my next CPA meeting with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and she's never too happy when I stop my meds.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Big Decisions
This week I've made some big decisions about some of my medication. I've been taking one of them so long I can't remember when I started it but I'm sure it can be measured in years. This week, I made the decision (along with my nurse) that I want to come off it. A big part of me is fed up with being tied to collecting medication twice a week and having to take something that leaves a nasty, bitter taste in my mouth and a bigger part of me feels I'm ready to come off them. This decision was sparked by the news that I can't take part in any serious archery competitions while I'm on this drug as it's listed as a banned substance . While I'm not ready for any serious competition at the moment, I'd like to be "clean" well before this issue arises.
I've also taken the decision to start reducing my anti-psychotic meds. This one is more motivated by the fact that I'm fed up with feeling so tired all through the day. Like the other drug, this is going to be a gradual process but I seem to be doing well after only a few days. It does bother me that I need to take pills in order to feel well, it seems so unfair that I have to take drugs that control my mood. It's been over eight years since I started on psych meds and it feels like forever. I can't remember what it was like to not have to pop pills every day in order to keep myself sane and I wonder if there'll ever be a time when I can cope with life without chemical assistance.
This is the time when I need to be careful, when I start questioning the need for pills to maintain myself, I tend to stop taking all my meds. Yes, I know what usually happens when I do this but there is a part of me that hopes that this time I'll be okay, I won't start seeing or hearing things and I'll be able to sleep without difficulty. Sadly, this never happens and so I keep taking the pills in order to live what passes for a normal life.
I've also taken the decision to start reducing my anti-psychotic meds. This one is more motivated by the fact that I'm fed up with feeling so tired all through the day. Like the other drug, this is going to be a gradual process but I seem to be doing well after only a few days. It does bother me that I need to take pills in order to feel well, it seems so unfair that I have to take drugs that control my mood. It's been over eight years since I started on psych meds and it feels like forever. I can't remember what it was like to not have to pop pills every day in order to keep myself sane and I wonder if there'll ever be a time when I can cope with life without chemical assistance.
This is the time when I need to be careful, when I start questioning the need for pills to maintain myself, I tend to stop taking all my meds. Yes, I know what usually happens when I do this but there is a part of me that hopes that this time I'll be okay, I won't start seeing or hearing things and I'll be able to sleep without difficulty. Sadly, this never happens and so I keep taking the pills in order to live what passes for a normal life.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Not such good news
Today I had yet another appointment at the eye clinic to find out why my vision has deteriorated and I finally got my answer. It turns out I've got cataracts in both my eyes which will mean surgery at some point. From what i can remember, the doctor said this might not be soon as my general vision was pretty good. You'd think he'd be able to refer me to the relevant clinic there and then but no, NHS red tape jumped in to mess things up. I've got to go back to my GP and get her to refer me to the cataract clinic (it's got something to do with who pays for the treatment). The earliest appointment I can get is Monday afternoon and even then I could be waiting up to 18 weeks before I get seen.
In the meantime, I think I may have to go to the optician to get new glasses so that I can see to do ordinary everyday things like using my laptop and driving. At least I've now got a reason for my sight problems in low light, the question for me is, how dod all this happen? I knew I had a cataract in my left eye but it hadn't given me any problems for a couple of years. The only thing that I can point the finger at is my anti-psychotic meds as I know someone else who's cataracts were caused by this type of drug. Now it's a case of playing the waiting game, waiting for an appointment and then waiting to see what treatment, if any, they're going to suggest.
In the meantime, I think I may have to go to the optician to get new glasses so that I can see to do ordinary everyday things like using my laptop and driving. At least I've now got a reason for my sight problems in low light, the question for me is, how dod all this happen? I knew I had a cataract in my left eye but it hadn't given me any problems for a couple of years. The only thing that I can point the finger at is my anti-psychotic meds as I know someone else who's cataracts were caused by this type of drug. Now it's a case of playing the waiting game, waiting for an appointment and then waiting to see what treatment, if any, they're going to suggest.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Is it the pills?
Once again, I've been hit by a terrible tiredness that makes me just want to close my eyes and sleep. This has been going on ever since I started at respite and its really starting to get me down now as it just gets in the way of anything I want to do. I'm not sure why it keeps happening, I certainly never used to be like this, in fact , I was very much a night owl.
Maybe it's because I haven't been out today. My pottery class was cancelled because the teacher is on leave. I did make a passable attempt at making soup today which was an achievement for me. It was really an experiment to so what I could do with the leftover vegetables I had from the previous two days. So far, it seems to be okay and I haven't been sick yet which is a good sign!
Perhaps I need the extra sleep in preparation for tomorrow as I've got to go back to the eye clinic in the afternoon. Last week when I went, the doctor said there had been some damage to my eyes which might explain the problems I've been having. Unfortunately, there wasn't time to dilate my eyes so she could have a proper look so I've got to go back tomorrow for the full blown treatment. I hate having my eyes dilated as I usually end up with a headache and not being able to see properly enough to even use my phone is a real pain in the butt. On the plus side, I might get some answers as to why my sight has been so poor lately, I'm just hoping there isn't the huge delay I've had the last two times I've had to attend.
Maybe it's because I haven't been out today. My pottery class was cancelled because the teacher is on leave. I did make a passable attempt at making soup today which was an achievement for me. It was really an experiment to so what I could do with the leftover vegetables I had from the previous two days. So far, it seems to be okay and I haven't been sick yet which is a good sign!
Perhaps I need the extra sleep in preparation for tomorrow as I've got to go back to the eye clinic in the afternoon. Last week when I went, the doctor said there had been some damage to my eyes which might explain the problems I've been having. Unfortunately, there wasn't time to dilate my eyes so she could have a proper look so I've got to go back tomorrow for the full blown treatment. I hate having my eyes dilated as I usually end up with a headache and not being able to see properly enough to even use my phone is a real pain in the butt. On the plus side, I might get some answers as to why my sight has been so poor lately, I'm just hoping there isn't the huge delay I've had the last two times I've had to attend.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Health Matters
Maybe it's because of my mother's heart attack or maybe it's just because I found I wasn't as fit as I used to be but I've started doing more exercise. I've already been out on the archery range twice this week, I would go today but it's just a bit too cold and windy. Today, I did a short walk down to the chemist so I could post a letter and collect all my medications. I think the walk today was prompted by a telephone call I got from my GP regarding my eyes. Last week, when I saw her, I was told I would get a phone call within 24 hours giving me an emergency appointment. When I went to see the doctor yesterday, I told him I still hadn't heard so would they chase it up for me. Being a new and young doctor, the original one I saw was more enthusiastic than some of the others would have been which is why I now have an appointment at 9.15 tomorrow morning.
This is a shockingly early time for me although I have been better about getting up reasonably early since I went to respite although 9.15 is still going to be a bit of a struggle. On the plus side, I should get to find out what's going on with my eyes although, knowing my luck, they'll say there's nothing really wrong and I just need a new prescription for my glasses. Admittedly, my eyes have been better although I still feel uncomfortable about driving at night (I had to drive in the dark last night)and I still struggle to read my laptop screen when it's more than a couple of feet away.
This is a shockingly early time for me although I have been better about getting up reasonably early since I went to respite although 9.15 is still going to be a bit of a struggle. On the plus side, I should get to find out what's going on with my eyes although, knowing my luck, they'll say there's nothing really wrong and I just need a new prescription for my glasses. Admittedly, my eyes have been better although I still feel uncomfortable about driving at night (I had to drive in the dark last night)and I still struggle to read my laptop screen when it's more than a couple of feet away.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Getting Back to my Routine
I'm gradually starting to get back to my usual routine having gone to archery club on Friday and my woodwork class today. Archery was really tough, I hadn't realised how unfit I'd become. I only managed about an hour before my shooting became really poor because I was so tired and even waling 60 feet to collect my arrows was a struggle so I decided to quit before it really started to affect my mood.
Woodwork today was ok, but again, I didn't stay until the end as I felt I'd done enough for the session. At least I finished my project - a holder for my pens and nib tin. You never know, I might even manage to go to pottery tomorrow, then I'll be back doing all the things I like doing. Thinking of things I don't like doing, I forgot to bring my blood test form with me today. At some point this week, I have to do a blood test for my next diabetes appointment in a couple of weeks. While it's not something I enjoy doing , at least this one is a random test so I don't have to fast. This also means I can do it later in the day when there's less likely to be a queue.
I've got my fist committee meeting for the archery club this week and am hoping to not disgrace myself there. I think it'll be hard talking about things that everyone else already knows about but I'm a relative newcomer to. At least I can get to say my piece about the lack of access to the field (the club owners no longer keep the gates open 24/7). Maybe I'll just sit and watch as that's something I am good at doing.
Having sat and thought about it, I decided to drive down to the archery field as the weather was soo good and managed to get in about 45 minutes of shooting before it got too cold and dark for me. Far from wearing me out, that little bit of exercise has given me some more energy which is strange but good. I just need to be careful and make sure I don't over do it, as I have a tendency to throw myself into something a little too much and thne end up getting into trouble. 45 minutes seems to have been just enough to stretch those muscles that took a pounding on Friday night!
Woodwork today was ok, but again, I didn't stay until the end as I felt I'd done enough for the session. At least I finished my project - a holder for my pens and nib tin. You never know, I might even manage to go to pottery tomorrow, then I'll be back doing all the things I like doing. Thinking of things I don't like doing, I forgot to bring my blood test form with me today. At some point this week, I have to do a blood test for my next diabetes appointment in a couple of weeks. While it's not something I enjoy doing , at least this one is a random test so I don't have to fast. This also means I can do it later in the day when there's less likely to be a queue.
I've got my fist committee meeting for the archery club this week and am hoping to not disgrace myself there. I think it'll be hard talking about things that everyone else already knows about but I'm a relative newcomer to. At least I can get to say my piece about the lack of access to the field (the club owners no longer keep the gates open 24/7). Maybe I'll just sit and watch as that's something I am good at doing.
Having sat and thought about it, I decided to drive down to the archery field as the weather was soo good and managed to get in about 45 minutes of shooting before it got too cold and dark for me. Far from wearing me out, that little bit of exercise has given me some more energy which is strange but good. I just need to be careful and make sure I don't over do it, as I have a tendency to throw myself into something a little too much and thne end up getting into trouble. 45 minutes seems to have been just enough to stretch those muscles that took a pounding on Friday night!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Steps Forward
Today was a landmark day for me as I got my arrows back. Although it's only been just over a month, it feel like forever, probably because I haven't shot since the week before Christmas. It wasn't that I lost my arrows, rather, I had to hand them over to protect myself and others as I was so unwell and so my friend took care of them until I was deemed fit enough to be allowed to have my weapons back again.
It felt like a big step today to go to my friend's to collect them. Needless to say, I also rewarded myself with some more drawing stuff. All in all, it's been a good day in spite of the weather which was pure rain all day. Now I can look forward to going back to archery club tomorrow night after a very long break. While I'm not expecting to get really high scores, I am hoping I won't disgrace myself too much, if only I can remember how to put my bow together (maybe I'll do a practice run at home before I go).
I've also provisionally booked my Summer break this morning. Yesterday, my nurse and I talked about having some planned respite as a way of stopping me from getting ill. In the New Year, which is one of my bad times, I plan to go back to Snowdon as I did so well there. For the Summmer, I'm looking at a place called Forresters which is on the coast in Southampton. Having looked at it online, I think it would be the ideal place for me so I rang them up to ask if there were vancancies for the week beginning 16 August and luckily, there are still places available. All I have to do now is get the forms filled in with my nurse and send them off. This week really feels as if things are looking up.
It felt like a big step today to go to my friend's to collect them. Needless to say, I also rewarded myself with some more drawing stuff. All in all, it's been a good day in spite of the weather which was pure rain all day. Now I can look forward to going back to archery club tomorrow night after a very long break. While I'm not expecting to get really high scores, I am hoping I won't disgrace myself too much, if only I can remember how to put my bow together (maybe I'll do a practice run at home before I go).
I've also provisionally booked my Summer break this morning. Yesterday, my nurse and I talked about having some planned respite as a way of stopping me from getting ill. In the New Year, which is one of my bad times, I plan to go back to Snowdon as I did so well there. For the Summmer, I'm looking at a place called Forresters which is on the coast in Southampton. Having looked at it online, I think it would be the ideal place for me so I rang them up to ask if there were vancancies for the week beginning 16 August and luckily, there are still places available. All I have to do now is get the forms filled in with my nurse and send them off. This week really feels as if things are looking up.
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