Big Decisions

This week I've made some big decisions about some of my medication. I've been taking one of them so long I can't remember when I started it but I'm sure it can be measured in years. This week, I made the decision (along with my nurse) that I want to come off it. A big part of me is fed up with being tied to collecting medication twice a week and having to take something that leaves a nasty, bitter taste in my mouth and a bigger part of me feels I'm ready to come off them. This decision was sparked by the news that I can't take part in any serious archery competitions while I'm on this drug as it's listed as a banned substance . While I'm not ready for any serious competition at the moment, I'd like to be "clean" well before this issue arises.

I've also taken the decision to start reducing my anti-psychotic meds. This one is more motivated by the fact that I'm fed up with feeling so tired all through the day. Like the other drug, this is going to be a gradual process but I seem to be doing well after only a few days. It does bother me that I need to take pills in order to feel well, it seems so unfair that I have to take drugs that control my mood. It's been over eight years since I started on psych meds and it feels like forever. I can't remember what it was like to not have to pop pills every day in order to keep myself sane and I wonder if there'll ever be a time when I can cope with life without chemical assistance.

This is the time when I need to be careful, when I start questioning the need for pills to maintain myself, I tend to stop taking all my meds. Yes, I know what usually happens when I do this but there is a part of me that hopes that this time I'll be okay, I won't start seeing or hearing things and I'll be able to sleep without difficulty. Sadly, this never happens and so I keep taking the pills in order to live what passes for a normal life.