Little Steps

Things are finally starting to move for me. I had my forst visit from the Home Treatment Team last night when the nurse that had attended my meeting with the doctor came over with some extra risperidone to tide me over until Monday when all my new meds will be available. although the visit was quite short, we managed to cover quite a bit including my lack of appetite, what I'm finding particularly difficult at the moment and, more importantly, what's happening about the respite care.

It seems that I could get it at any time, in a day or in a few weeks, it all depends on when the paperwork is completed and, I suppose, when the bed is free. Once a date has been set, it will be mine no matter what and no-one will be able to take it off me. This is great news as I really feel I need to get away for a bit. However, I hope it won't be this week as I've been on a massive spending spree and will have to be home to accept delivery of all the stuff I've ordered. Okay, most, if not all of it was unnecessary but I needed a new laptop with a much bigger memory as I'm fast running out of room on the one I've got and I needed to get rid of some excess cash before I have to prove my income for the benefits agency. It's not that I've been earning cash from some work, just that I've not been spending much lately because of being ill and the money has been building up in my savings account for 16 months so I feel entitled to spend it. I've gone for a custom-built laptop for the first time as it was cheaper than buying from the major dealers and nothing they had to offer had all the extras I wanted. Call it a gift to myself for dealing so well with my illness. Plus, it gives me something to look forward to as I keep returning to the spec page to drool over all the details.

Going back to my illness and medication, the dose has been adjusted so that I take most of it at night, this has had the most welcome effect of giving me two nights excellent sleep in a row. The knock-on effect is that I feel better through the day and better able to cope. The downside is, I tend to feel pretty dopey all the time. As I don't have to do anything or be anywhere, I can live with this if it stops the distressing images and sounds.

Time is also a bit of a strange thing at the moment as I seem to lose track of where I am in the day and I'm often not sure what day it is. for me, it's normal to have a warped view of time when I'm ill - time either stands still or goes by so quickly it's like someone stole it from me. The getting lost in the week is at least partly down to the fact that I've lost all my structure. As I can't drive, I'm not going to my woodwork or pottery sessions and I'm still not allowed to have my arrows back so I can't go to my archery club. Each day seems to merge into the next in its routine of getting up, making copious mugs of tea, watching the telly and doing stuff on my laptop. Sometimes, New Year's Day feels like only yesterday and other times, it feels like a lifetime ago.

What I want more than anything, is to be able to get back to my normal activities. I feel like I can, but perhaps, at the moment, I need to let other, more saner people make that decision for me. In the meantime, I'll be sticking to my infamous "T" diet - tea, toast, telly, tobacco and teddy (always good for a cuddle!