Crisis Point

Christmas has been and gone for a while now. Surprisingly, the day itself went okay with nothing to cause me too much distress. As the New Year began to surface, I am told things started to go wrong and the worst parts of my illness hit me like a 10 ton truck.

I spent New Year's day with my best and only true friend and at some point in the afternoon we had what I now call "the conversation". I think there were a lot of probing questions from my friend which led to me disclosing some old, deep and very painful details that I've never told anyone else before. At the time, it felt quite cathartic but I was very anxious about my friend's opinion that I needed to deal with this in a theraputic environment.

My friend was prepared to speak to my care co-ordinator about "the conversation" as I was very reluctant to experience the tearing apart of my heart again. Call it bad luck or just fate but my care co-ordinator was on sick leave for almost a week and, as I didn't want to talk about such an intimate subject with someone who didn't know me, I was left with a huge mess in my head. Combine that with no activities as all my groups were cancelled due to the holidays and a disaster was bound to happen.

Aspects of my illness can be like a ninja with no sight or sound until it's got me by the throat. By the time I got to see my nurse, it seems I was in the middle of a full blown psychosis. Most of the time I'm accompanied by one of my tormentors from my youth and he has new and vicious ways of torturing me.

Wheels have now been put in motion that seem to be out of my control and I've been on anti-psychotics for almost a week. While they do quiten the noises in and around my head, they also have quite debilitating side effects. I'm no longer safe to drive, I need to use a walking stick if I walk outside as my balance is poor and my high blood sugar levels (along with the stress) have given me a mouth infection.

Today, I finally admitted that I'm not safe on my own and have asked for serious help. I no longer care about my family finding out which probably means I'm more ill than I think. My nurse has suggested a respite bed at a care home as it's probably more theraputic than the hospital ward and i'll know by tomorrow which one I'm going to the day after.

To be honest, I'm relieved that I'll be somewhere where people can keep an eye on me. The only question is, can I keep myself safe until then?