Is there anybody there?

It's nearly 4 in the afternoon and the only phone calls I've had are from a survey firm who ept hanging up on me (I hate those calls, particularly when they hang up as it plays on my paranoia). I'm sure I was supposed to get a call from someone today to let me know exactly what was happening. Yes, they know I'm not really contactable in the morning because of my sleep problems but 4 in the afternoon??? Are they having a laugh?

I can hear the voice that haunts me telling me my nurse was just getting my hopes up and I should have learned my lesson yesterday when she told me the respite bed wan't available but I'm stupid and I'll never learn. The rational voice (that's finding it hard to be heard at the moment) is trying to tell me that I need to wait for another hour before I can genuinely feel let down. Once again, I feel that I don't matter and they think that if I take the pills, I'll just get better given enough time. I want to scream and shout about this but I'm aware my neighbour is in and I'm afraid that if I start, I'll never stop and I'll end up being forced into hospital. Life just doesn't seem fair at the moment, I can't drive because the pills make me too drowsy and unco-ordinated and I can't vent my frustrations by going to my archery club and shooting a load of arrows because they've been confiscated as I admitted to harbouring murderous thoughts about my neighbour and her son. If you lived here, you'd probably want to kill them as they make so much noise.

It's now just gone 4.20pm and my rational mind was right. I've just received a phone call from the receptionist at the CMHT. Before the Home Treatment Team can take me on, I need to see a doctor to review my medication and an appointment has been made for me tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. That's the good part, the bad part is, it's at the mental health unit which is 10 miles away and I can't drive. I've been told that they're aware of this and my nurse will be calling me tomorrow morning to sort out getting over there so maybe I'm not bottom of the heap after all. Now all I've got to do is get over my anxiety of seeing a strange doctor and shut up the voice that's telling me it's all a plot to get me into hospital as that's where the wards are. Time for a mug of tea and a cigarette, I think.