Little Steps

Things are finally starting to move for me. I had my forst visit from the Home Treatment Team last night when the nurse that had attended my meeting with the doctor came over with some extra risperidone to tide me over until Monday when all my new meds will be available. although the visit was quite short, we managed to cover quite a bit including my lack of appetite, what I'm finding particularly difficult at the moment and, more importantly, what's happening about the respite care.

It seems that I could get it at any time, in a day or in a few weeks, it all depends on when the paperwork is completed and, I suppose, when the bed is free. Once a date has been set, it will be mine no matter what and no-one will be able to take it off me. This is great news as I really feel I need to get away for a bit. However, I hope it won't be this week as I've been on a massive spending spree and will have to be home to accept delivery of all the stuff I've ordered. Okay, most, if not all of it was unnecessary but I needed a new laptop with a much bigger memory as I'm fast running out of room on the one I've got and I needed to get rid of some excess cash before I have to prove my income for the benefits agency. It's not that I've been earning cash from some work, just that I've not been spending much lately because of being ill and the money has been building up in my savings account for 16 months so I feel entitled to spend it. I've gone for a custom-built laptop for the first time as it was cheaper than buying from the major dealers and nothing they had to offer had all the extras I wanted. Call it a gift to myself for dealing so well with my illness. Plus, it gives me something to look forward to as I keep returning to the spec page to drool over all the details.

Going back to my illness and medication, the dose has been adjusted so that I take most of it at night, this has had the most welcome effect of giving me two nights excellent sleep in a row. The knock-on effect is that I feel better through the day and better able to cope. The downside is, I tend to feel pretty dopey all the time. As I don't have to do anything or be anywhere, I can live with this if it stops the distressing images and sounds.

Time is also a bit of a strange thing at the moment as I seem to lose track of where I am in the day and I'm often not sure what day it is. for me, it's normal to have a warped view of time when I'm ill - time either stands still or goes by so quickly it's like someone stole it from me. The getting lost in the week is at least partly down to the fact that I've lost all my structure. As I can't drive, I'm not going to my woodwork or pottery sessions and I'm still not allowed to have my arrows back so I can't go to my archery club. Each day seems to merge into the next in its routine of getting up, making copious mugs of tea, watching the telly and doing stuff on my laptop. Sometimes, New Year's Day feels like only yesterday and other times, it feels like a lifetime ago.

What I want more than anything, is to be able to get back to my normal activities. I feel like I can, but perhaps, at the moment, I need to let other, more saner people make that decision for me. In the meantime, I'll be sticking to my infamous "T" diet - tea, toast, telly, tobacco and teddy (always good for a cuddle!

Is there anybody there?

It's nearly 4 in the afternoon and the only phone calls I've had are from a survey firm who ept hanging up on me (I hate those calls, particularly when they hang up as it plays on my paranoia). I'm sure I was supposed to get a call from someone today to let me know exactly what was happening. Yes, they know I'm not really contactable in the morning because of my sleep problems but 4 in the afternoon??? Are they having a laugh?

I can hear the voice that haunts me telling me my nurse was just getting my hopes up and I should have learned my lesson yesterday when she told me the respite bed wan't available but I'm stupid and I'll never learn. The rational voice (that's finding it hard to be heard at the moment) is trying to tell me that I need to wait for another hour before I can genuinely feel let down. Once again, I feel that I don't matter and they think that if I take the pills, I'll just get better given enough time. I want to scream and shout about this but I'm aware my neighbour is in and I'm afraid that if I start, I'll never stop and I'll end up being forced into hospital. Life just doesn't seem fair at the moment, I can't drive because the pills make me too drowsy and unco-ordinated and I can't vent my frustrations by going to my archery club and shooting a load of arrows because they've been confiscated as I admitted to harbouring murderous thoughts about my neighbour and her son. If you lived here, you'd probably want to kill them as they make so much noise.

It's now just gone 4.20pm and my rational mind was right. I've just received a phone call from the receptionist at the CMHT. Before the Home Treatment Team can take me on, I need to see a doctor to review my medication and an appointment has been made for me tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. That's the good part, the bad part is, it's at the mental health unit which is 10 miles away and I can't drive. I've been told that they're aware of this and my nurse will be calling me tomorrow morning to sort out getting over there so maybe I'm not bottom of the heap after all. Now all I've got to do is get over my anxiety of seeing a strange doctor and shut up the voice that's telling me it's all a plot to get me into hospital as that's where the wards are. Time for a mug of tea and a cigarette, I think.

Let down again

If everything had gone to plan, I would be writing this from the comfort of my room in a care home while experiencing respite care. Like most things, it didn't go to plan and today nearly ended in disaster. I called my nurse this morning to find out what time she would be taking me over to the care home and she told me that, once again, the bed wasn't available as someone else needed it for another week. At the time, I got very angry and felt like giving up, I felt that I had been sidelined and no-one realised that my difficulties were serious. She wanted me to come in for a meeting to discuss other ways of supporting me but all I wanted to do was shut the door on the world forever. Fortunately, my friend had already arranged to come over and she dealt with the problem by telling me she would call my nurse to make arrangements and she would take me to the meeting. She also decided to take me back to her place in the meantime so that I could have a proper meal and could be away from my flat while I was feeling extra vulnerable.

I don't know what I'd do without my friend as she managed to sort everything out for me including collecting my medication and getting me some milk and bread as I didn't have any because I thought I wouldn't be at home for several days. She seems to know exactly what to say and do with me especially when my illness kicks in and I get tired, confused or difficult.

From what I can remember of the meeting this afternoon, I am going to be looked after by the Home Treatment Team which takes the pressure off my friend who has been doing an incredible amount of work looking after me over the past two weeks. As far as I'm aware, this means that there will be nurses visiting me at home to help me through this patch. I know I was given a lot more information than this, but it's difficult to remember what I did an hour ago never mind long conversations that happened in a meeting several hours ago.

I suppose part of me is glad that I'm still at home even though I was looking forward to a bit of TLC away from home. At least I've still got my Sky telly, I know I can smoke anywhere in my home and I don't have to face the anxieties of somewhere new. I just have to get used to the idea of strangers (although I apparently know several of the Home Treatment Team from before) coming into my home and having a say in what I do.

At least the day ended better than it started and even though I feel very exhausted, it's a good feeling and I'm unusually calm. Let's hope it's not the calm before the storm.

Change of Plans

I had hoped to be recovering in respite care today but, like most things, this did not go according to plan. On Monday, my nurse called me to say that the bed was available from next Wednesday so I'd have to wait another week. Even though she hoped I'd be better by then, she said it would still be a good idea to go as I really needed the break. At the time, I was really angry, I'd got my hopes up as I knew that a few days somewhere else with people keeping an eye on me would probably do me the world of good. Looking at it now, I think I may benefit even more as I am slightly better and therefore more aware of what works for me.

This week has been a bit of a struggle. When my nurse visited me, she booked me a GP appointment as my mouth felt like I'd been eating broken glass (not that I'd actually tried that) and I was only able to eat bananas and yogurt. The medication they've put me on has really knocked me for six so I was unable to drive to the doctor and had to use a walking stick to help me keep my balance which made me feel old and sick. As it was an emergency appointment, I had no say in which doctor I saw and so I ended up seeing the one that I really don't like seeing. i know I wasn't totally on the ball but that was no excuse for him to pretty much ignore what I was saying to him. I tried to tell him that my blood sugar levels have been constantly raised since New Year but he was more interested in telling me to make a proper appointment for a diabetes and blood pressure check. As he gets more money if my health reaches certain targets and if I do certain tests, I'm like a little gold mine for him so I felt he should treat me with much more respect.

I'm not sure if it's a side effect of all my medications or just my illness, but my memory is very poor at the moment. I can't believe that it's already Friday and, if you asked me, I couldn't tell you what I've been doing all week apart from watching tv and listening to music in the early hours of the morning because I can't sleep. The not sleeping is really starting to bother me as it throws the whole day out of sync. It's not a proper not sleeping as I do eventually manage to fall into a very deep drug induced sleep which knocks me out until lunchtime. Yesterday, for example, I didn't wake up until after 1p.m. and even then I could have slept for a few more hours. Today, I had to be up at a reasonable time as I had a home visit and I didn't want to still be in bed when the male nurse, who's covering my usual nurse, turned up.

Given that he's not worked with me in a therapeutic way before, we had a fairly productive session although I felt that there were a few things he didn't quite understand about me and how this particular relapse has affected me. Inevitably, the question of the weekend came up along with how I'm going to spend my time and what will I do if I start getting into real trouble. Luckily, I have my one good friend who's been incredibly supportive through all this and she will be coming over to see me tomorrow. Everyone needs a friend like this who will provide home cooked meals and who doesn't mind the long silences when I drift away. Friendship is a difficult thing for me to understand but I do know she's one in a million especially when I call her in the early hours of the morning because the voices are getting too much.

Much as I hate taking medication, I have to confess it does seem to be working. The voice that I was hearing tends to be more muffled for most of the day and the suicide/self harm images are fewer and further apart. Not being able to drive has its good points, I'm saving money on fuel and if I'm not going out, I won't be spending money. If only I can get to grips with feeling like a zombie for most of the day and master my high blood sugar levels.

Crisis Point

Christmas has been and gone for a while now. Surprisingly, the day itself went okay with nothing to cause me too much distress. As the New Year began to surface, I am told things started to go wrong and the worst parts of my illness hit me like a 10 ton truck.

I spent New Year's day with my best and only true friend and at some point in the afternoon we had what I now call "the conversation". I think there were a lot of probing questions from my friend which led to me disclosing some old, deep and very painful details that I've never told anyone else before. At the time, it felt quite cathartic but I was very anxious about my friend's opinion that I needed to deal with this in a theraputic environment.

My friend was prepared to speak to my care co-ordinator about "the conversation" as I was very reluctant to experience the tearing apart of my heart again. Call it bad luck or just fate but my care co-ordinator was on sick leave for almost a week and, as I didn't want to talk about such an intimate subject with someone who didn't know me, I was left with a huge mess in my head. Combine that with no activities as all my groups were cancelled due to the holidays and a disaster was bound to happen.

Aspects of my illness can be like a ninja with no sight or sound until it's got me by the throat. By the time I got to see my nurse, it seems I was in the middle of a full blown psychosis. Most of the time I'm accompanied by one of my tormentors from my youth and he has new and vicious ways of torturing me.

Wheels have now been put in motion that seem to be out of my control and I've been on anti-psychotics for almost a week. While they do quiten the noises in and around my head, they also have quite debilitating side effects. I'm no longer safe to drive, I need to use a walking stick if I walk outside as my balance is poor and my high blood sugar levels (along with the stress) have given me a mouth infection.

Today, I finally admitted that I'm not safe on my own and have asked for serious help. I no longer care about my family finding out which probably means I'm more ill than I think. My nurse has suggested a respite bed at a care home as it's probably more theraputic than the hospital ward and i'll know by tomorrow which one I'm going to the day after.

To be honest, I'm relieved that I'll be somewhere where people can keep an eye on me. The only question is, can I keep myself safe until then?