Missing people

I seem to be missing people at the moment. It was my birthday a few weeks ago and while my parents gave me cards and presents, I got very little from my two brothers. In fact, all I got from them was a few words in a text and via Facebook. I was a bit surprised at just the text from my eldest brother as I'd sent him something for his birthday and my mother had said he had a card for me. Fortunately, my friend made up for my family as she treated me to a day out with her and a nice home cooked meal.

Although she sent me a card for my birthday, I haven't seen my befriender since well before my birthday. She was away on holiday for a couple of weeks and I was expecting to hear from her last week as we haven't been out for a long time. The other day, I picked up an email from her saying she had some family matter going on that was taking up all her time and energy and I would be hearing from her when it was all sorted. I can't say I'm that surprised at this news as it's not the first time it's happened and I get the feeling that I'm pretty low on her list of priorities. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to understand that our meetings are very important to me as it's the only time I get to go out with someone socially. I find myself wondering how much more is left in this relationship as our meetings have gotten fewer and further apart and when we do meet, it's to do exactly the same thing every time (coffee and a wander round the garden centre).

I wouldn't perhaps feel so down about all of this if it weren't for the fact that my true friend (who I spent my birthday with) has gone on holiday for two weeks. While I was starting to feel as if she was nagging me a little too much about eating properly and being cheerful, I do miss our conversations even though it's been only a week since we last spoke. It seems bad timing that the two people who would keep me entertained and out of trouble have disappeared from my radar. I have been trying to keep on the straight and narrow but it's difficult to stay positive in such circumstances. I know I should be thinking of people in a worse position than myself but I can't and I find my inner child saying it's all so unfair and here are people leaving me yet again. I've tried to occupy that child by going to meetings but it still rears it's head come evening time. I've even tried to pacify it with some of its favourite junk food but all to no avail. I guess all it wants is some attention from someone as this is what has kept it quiet during today.

If only there was an easy way of getting real friends that could actually be there. Yes, I've got followers on twitter and friends on Facebook but these are more the virtual sort of friends - not the sort you can just go out with. Perhaps there's a book out there that tells you how to get more of these real friends, if so, perhaps someone could give me the title or just send me a copy.

Doing well

Last Friday I had my CPA meeting with my psychiatrist and other members of my team. Fortunately, only my CPN turned up as I was feeling excessively anxious while I was waiting to go in. I've no idea why I felt so anxious as I've had many of these meetings on the past and attend the unit once a month to see one of my nurses. Luckily, I remembered my breathing exercises and managed to calm myself down.

The meeting itself was fairly short compared to previous meetings and it seems my shrink is happy with my progress although she wants me to start reducing my anti-psychotic. I'm not sure how I feel about it, on the one hand, it's really helping me sleep but on the other, it's not so good for my diabetes as it has the side effect of weight gain.

Overall, I feel as though things are back on track for me, I'm going to all my groups on a regular basis, I'm taking all my meds (a big thing for me as I'm not keen on the idea of drugs to keep me well) and I'm going to all my appointments. Speaking of which, I've got my retinal screening next Tuesday which I'm really not looking forward to as I can't drive there so I'll have to get the bus or splash out on a taxi and I hate having my eyes dilated as I often end up with a headache. At the moment, I'm debating which mode of transport to use and I'm seriously thinking of taking the risk and driving there as it's a relatively easy drive there. The voice of reason in my head tells me to take the bus but the rest of me hates the idea of waiting around so much - I could be there in 5 minutes if I drove but will have to leave over half an hour earlier if I get the bus, plus, there's all the anxiety associated with getting a bus for me. Maybe I need to sleep on this matter, after all, I've bitten hte bullet on so many things lately, maybe it's time for me to start using public transport.

Flatness

It seems to have been ages since I last posted something. This is a marker of how boring my life is at the moment, I'm still waiting to find out if I've got funding for both my archery and a break I'm hoping to take in the summer. At the moment, I'm being a good little patient and am taking all my pills. The upside of the anti-psychotics is that I don't cry or get worked up but this is also a downside. Life has a very boring flatness to it at the moment - I don't get depressed but I also don't get excited by anything. This makes it quite hard to get motivated to do anything - even getting out of bed in the morning can be a bit of a struggle. On the upside, according to my friend, I'm much easier to deal with when I'm well and I'm much less argumentative.

Another downside of the anti-psychotics are the annoying side effects such as frequent dribbling and an almost constant chewing motion. As a result, I've been put on yet another new med to deal with the side effects. at this rate, I'll end up rattling every time I move. I'm not sure if it's down to this new pill, but I've suffered three hypos in four days which is starting to get me down as they tend to hit at about the same time every day. However, because of my flat mood, I'm not getting that down or annoyed by it.

I've been tempted to stop my meds and have tried a couple of times but it's only lasted a couple of days as I've found myself unable to sleep properly without the drugs. This is then the point where I start to stop my meds long term because I hate the idea of being dependent on drugs to keep me well. Yes, I guess I'm better off when I'm on them even though life seems less interesting but I hate the idea of being controlled by meds. As my mood's stuck in a nowhere land at the moment, maybe I won't get worked up enough to stop everything besides, I've got my next CPA meeting with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks and she's never too happy when I stop my meds.

Big Decisions

This week I've made some big decisions about some of my medication. I've been taking one of them so long I can't remember when I started it but I'm sure it can be measured in years. This week, I made the decision (along with my nurse) that I want to come off it. A big part of me is fed up with being tied to collecting medication twice a week and having to take something that leaves a nasty, bitter taste in my mouth and a bigger part of me feels I'm ready to come off them. This decision was sparked by the news that I can't take part in any serious archery competitions while I'm on this drug as it's listed as a banned substance . While I'm not ready for any serious competition at the moment, I'd like to be "clean" well before this issue arises.

I've also taken the decision to start reducing my anti-psychotic meds. This one is more motivated by the fact that I'm fed up with feeling so tired all through the day. Like the other drug, this is going to be a gradual process but I seem to be doing well after only a few days. It does bother me that I need to take pills in order to feel well, it seems so unfair that I have to take drugs that control my mood. It's been over eight years since I started on psych meds and it feels like forever. I can't remember what it was like to not have to pop pills every day in order to keep myself sane and I wonder if there'll ever be a time when I can cope with life without chemical assistance.

This is the time when I need to be careful, when I start questioning the need for pills to maintain myself, I tend to stop taking all my meds. Yes, I know what usually happens when I do this but there is a part of me that hopes that this time I'll be okay, I won't start seeing or hearing things and I'll be able to sleep without difficulty. Sadly, this never happens and so I keep taking the pills in order to live what passes for a normal life.

Not such good news

Today I had yet another appointment at the eye clinic to find out why my vision has deteriorated and I finally got my answer. It turns out I've got cataracts in both my eyes which will mean surgery at some point. From what i can remember, the doctor said this might not be soon as my general vision was pretty good. You'd think he'd be able to refer me to the relevant clinic there and then but no, NHS red tape jumped in to mess things up. I've got to go back to my GP and get her to refer me to the cataract clinic (it's got something to do with who pays for the treatment). The earliest appointment I can get is Monday afternoon and even then I could be waiting up to 18 weeks before I get seen.

In the meantime, I think I may have to go to the optician to get new glasses so that I can see to do ordinary everyday things like using my laptop and driving. At least I've now got a reason for my sight problems in low light, the question for me is, how dod all this happen? I knew I had a cataract in my left eye but it hadn't given me any problems for a couple of years. The only thing that I can point the finger at is my anti-psychotic meds as I know someone else who's cataracts were caused by this type of drug. Now it's a case of playing the waiting game, waiting for an appointment and then waiting to see what treatment, if any, they're going to suggest.

Is it the pills?

Once again, I've been hit by a terrible tiredness that makes me just want to close my eyes and sleep. This has been going on ever since I started at respite and its really starting to get me down now as it just gets in the way of anything I want to do. I'm not sure why it keeps happening, I certainly never used to be like this, in fact , I was very much a night owl.

Maybe it's because I haven't been out today. My pottery class was cancelled because the teacher is on leave. I did make a passable attempt at making soup today which was an achievement for me. It was really an experiment to so what I could do with the leftover vegetables I had from the previous two days. So far, it seems to be okay and I haven't been sick yet which is a good sign!

Perhaps I need the extra sleep in preparation for tomorrow as I've got to go back to the eye clinic in the afternoon. Last week when I went, the doctor said there had been some damage to my eyes which might explain the problems I've been having. Unfortunately, there wasn't time to dilate my eyes so she could have a proper look so I've got to go back tomorrow for the full blown treatment. I hate having my eyes dilated as I usually end up with a headache and not being able to see properly enough to even use my phone is a real pain in the butt. On the plus side, I might get some answers as to why my sight has been so poor lately, I'm just hoping there isn't the huge delay I've had the last two times I've had to attend.

Health Matters

Maybe it's because of my mother's heart attack or maybe it's just because I found I wasn't as fit as I used to be but I've started doing more exercise. I've already been out on the archery range twice this week, I would go today but it's just a bit too cold and windy. Today, I did a short walk down to the chemist so I could post a letter and collect all my medications. I think the walk today was prompted by a telephone call I got from my GP regarding my eyes. Last week, when I saw her, I was told I would get a phone call within 24 hours giving me an emergency appointment. When I went to see the doctor yesterday, I told him I still hadn't heard so would they chase it up for me. Being a new and young doctor, the original one I saw was more enthusiastic than some of the others would have been which is why I now have an appointment at 9.15 tomorrow morning.

This is a shockingly early time for me although I have been better about getting up reasonably early since I went to respite although 9.15 is still going to be a bit of a struggle. On the plus side, I should get to find out what's going on with my eyes although, knowing my luck, they'll say there's nothing really wrong and I just need a new prescription for my glasses. Admittedly, my eyes have been better although I still feel uncomfortable about driving at night (I had to drive in the dark last night)and I still struggle to read my laptop screen when it's more than a couple of feet away.