Parental snobbery

I was always reluctant to tell my parents about my mental health diagnosis, probably because I had a pretty good idea of what my mother's attitude towards it would be and the words "helpful, supportive and understanding" weren't in the mix. Admittedly, she's been fairly good about my current relapse but the cracks have started to show today. I usually play the organ at a local church on Sunday mornings as it gives me a connection to music (I don't go for the religious experience as I can't understand why anyone would believe in a god). It also happens to be the church that my parents go to and my mother has always attempted to, at the very least, stick her nose in and, at the very worst, control me and what I play.

I did tell her that I would be going to respite (although I didn't call it that, I just said I was being given a week away and she seemed to be okay about it (yes, inside, I know it's nothing to do with her but our relationship is very complicated). She appeared to take great delight in having the authority to tell the priest that I was unwell but it now seems she had twisted it into a complicated lie as she has told me to be very careful what I say to him and to not say I'm going on holiday. I just didn't have the energy to get angry with her but inside I was close to erupting as there was no need to make up stories about what was going on with me.

I have now tried to straighten things my end by phoning the priest and telling him what has happened (without giving him all the gory details). This makes me feel much happier as I know the truth has been told. How my mother will take this, I don't know as I'm sure she was in the process of concocting an elaborate story of how I was very ill with a mysterious illness and she came running to my rescue. She even tried to push me into moving back with her but that's the last thing I need and will probably result in my being sectioned for trying to murder her. I've also told her that I don't want her phoning me every day to ask if I'm better. She doesn't seem to understand that my problems will not be cured overnight and asking me every day if I'm better will only make me worse. Perhaps she means well, but I don't think she's bright enough and lacks the empathy necessary to truly understand.

I don't think I'm asking much of her, I don't want money or physical things, I just want some space to recover and to be allowed to be an individual who can make her own decisions. Surely, that's not too much to ask?

Another year notched up.

This is the first of what may be many ravings from a rather badly wired brain (I'm sure it must have come from Radio Shack). There may be less rather than more as I get easily bored with long term things. Nice to know that I can blame it on the BPD and not a Couldn't Be Ar**d attitude (see, there are advantages!).

Well, that's another year I can mark off. To be honest, I'm quite surprised I've made it to the edge of what, I guess, is middle age as I can remember a time when I thought I wouldn't make it past 25. That was probably also the time when I thought that anyone over 40 was really, really old. Not that anyone would be able to guess my age as I'm always being told that I look at least 10 years younger. My usual response to that, is that it must be the preserving effect of all the drugs and alcohol!

It's been a bit of a roller coaster of a year but without some of the really hair raising dips of previous years. I've now got a CPN who's fairly competent and has a pretty good understanding of BPD which made a change from the last one. Two weeks after my CPA (which she'd booked for my birthday), she told me she wasn't seeing me anymore as I was being transferred. Not only had this come out of the blue, she chose to tell me on a Friday afternoon when I would have to deal with the fallout over the weekend. Nice timing nursie, especially as she knew I had major issues with change and people leaving. Guess it was her parting gift to me after over two years of a very rocky relationship, needless to say, I didn't exactly shed a tear!

2009 has begun in the same way that every year has in that I've gone into hermit mode. The last time I was around people was on Christmas eve. Okay,  I've done a bit of sulking over how I had to miss out on all the good things before Christmas even though I ended up in that position because I like to play the martyr (probably because the feeling left out bit will give me a reason to feel depressed). However, it's not all of my own making (honest) - guess borderlines never make good relationships as we're always sabotaging them so we don't get too close and then end up getting hurt when people inevitably leave. The question is, am I keeping away from people because I think they don't like me (no responses to Xmas/New Year texts from me and no invites to New Year parties that I knew took place) or because I just don't want to be taken advantage of again. 

If I do show my head above the parapet in time for the group meal on Friday (it's Monday today), I know I'll get more stuff piled on me. Already, I'm supposed to be decorating the table (with what, I don't know as no-one had decided), sorting out the background music (always tricky for me as my musical tastes are a tad unique and I take any criticism of my music very personally!), putting up all the fairy lights (from where, I know not), making a drab room look nice and taking photos of the whole event (which also involves the problem of people saying "don't take a photo of me and then complaining weeks later that I left them out!).

Decisions, decisions, not something I'm particularly good at (it takes me 15 minutes to decide what cereal to have for breakfast!). Maybe I'll just put it to one side for a day or two and feed my iPhone obsession. Besides, technology stuff is so much easier to deal with, it won't suddenly stop being your friend or go off in a huff (unless you're running Windows XP) and is there whenever you need it. Anyway, who wants to sit around with 30 people you never really talk to anyway having to answer the inevitable "did you have a good Christmas?" questions (answer: no, it was as bad as always but with even more shower gel). Perhaps I'll check the telly schedules for Friday and then think about it until it goes away!!