I ended up going to the group meal last Friday even though I wasn't sure about it. I had hoped I could escape it and was curled up on the sofa glued to some trashy daytime telly when my keyworker phoned to ask if I was coming in. She said I could just bring in the music which they "really, really needed" which was a sneaky move to get me to stay as she knew I wouldn't be parted from my iPod. Fortunately, most of the people involved had a real understanding of my moods and were aware of the fact that I hadn't been out or had any social contact since Christmas so they treated me with kid gloves and didn't quiz me about my Christmas hell. I say most of them but, as the saying goes, there's always one and this particular one was being extremely annoying. It was a bit like having an overexcited puppy that wouldn't stop yapping around all the time. Everytime I tried to escape for a quiet cigarette, she would follow me outside and I had to keep locking myself in the toilet for a few moments of peace and quiet!
To be fair to her, she did say she would get everyone to quiten down after I explained to her that it was a bit too intense for me as I'd not been out since Christmas and she seemed genuinely sad that I'd spent New Year's Eve on my own. I was told today that she really likes me and that's why she's always trying to hang around with me. Relationships are such a pain in the butt with my brain, I want to have some friends but when people start getting a bit too close or too intense for me, I sabotage things. Maybe I've got a "dog in the manger" brain as it keeps doing this to me.
It did the same thing to me a couple of days ago. I was supposed to be attending a group meeting to discuss the new groups that are starting up from next week but, as soon as I saw how many people were going to be there, I decided to retreat to the safety of my flat. As a result, when I went to a smaller meeting this afternoon, I had no idea what was going on although my keyworker did fill me in later on. There are quite a few interesting groups this month, the art group is starting up again but with a different person running it so I'm quite interested in that as I was getting bored with the sameness of the previous sessions (strange that, as change often really upsets me). Drama as Therapy starts the following week and I'm both curious and wary of it although I've agreed to at least try it for a couple of weeks. I did drama therapy several years ago but can't really remember much about it as I was really unwell at the time. This group sounds as if it'll be very different from the group I used to do and it's split into two sessions with the toughest session in the morning followed by a group lunch.
The group that terrifies me the most is the "Healthy Eating" group run by a nutritionist. My cooking skills are really basic (probably because my mother never let me anywhere near the kitchen and never showed me anything) and the people that have already signed up for the group are already fantastic in the kitchen. I guess the problem is, I don't like to fail and anything to do with kitchens and cooking make me feel like an idiot. To give you some idea, someone taught me how to make porridge earlier this week and I had to write down the instructions! Mind you, once I'd done it I was initially pleased with my effort and then, old Negative Nancy jumped in and pointed out that this was something really simple that I really ought to be able to do as I'm supposed to be intelligent!
Still, I really need some guidance with food and eating as things have really slipped since I told my dietician it wasn't worth her seeing me any more. She'd been seeing me for well over two years and I'd only just got to the point of being able to eat a minimum of two proper meals a day (including breakfast, which I used to skip) and my weight had hardly changed in that time. On top of that, the results at my latest diabetes review were nowhere near as good as I thought they were going to be. What's amazing is the fact that I managed to stick fairly well to my appointments with her for so long given my tendency to give up on anything long term.
The final thing that came out of today was news of the "leavers' group". The support service that helps me is supposed to be only for two years and that deadline is fast approaching. Most of us that are affected are pretty upset by this as we weren't told this when we first joined and the first year was a pilot so there weren't as many groups to help us. I'm not sure what will happen after this as I've not got any plans that would work. At the moment, I'm hoping that I'll be kept on in a voluntary capacity because of my technical skills and my multimedia group that has only just finished its first ten week module. If that doesn't work, I'll probably revert to spending my days watching daytime telly and playing with my iPhone as I can't see anyone employing someone like me. Like most things in my life, I think I'll end up filing it in a deep, dark corner of my brain in the hope that it gets lost as I'm terrified of the thought of moving on.
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