I knew it!

Yes, it's been a while since the last post, but I guess that's just me. I have thought about posting, but that wiring in my brain has been conspiring against me (plus, I couldn't be bothered with getting my laptop out or finding the blogging app on my iPhone).

I ended up going to the group meal last Friday even though I wasn't sure about it. I had hoped I could escape it and was curled up on the sofa glued to some trashy daytime telly when my keyworker phoned to ask if I was coming in. She said I could just bring in the music which they "really, really needed" which was a sneaky move to get me to stay as she knew I wouldn't be parted from my iPod. Fortunately, most of the people involved had a real understanding of my moods and were aware of the fact that I hadn't been out or had any social contact since Christmas so they treated me with kid gloves and didn't quiz me about my Christmas hell. I say most of them but, as the saying goes, there's always one and this particular one was being extremely annoying. It was a bit like having an overexcited puppy that wouldn't stop yapping around all the time. Everytime I tried to escape for a quiet cigarette, she would follow me outside and I had to keep locking myself in the toilet for a few moments of peace and quiet!

To be fair to her, she did say she would get everyone to quiten down after I explained to her that it was a bit too intense for me as I'd not been out since Christmas and she seemed genuinely sad that I'd spent New Year's Eve on my own. I was told today that she really likes me and that's why she's always trying to hang around with me. Relationships are such a pain in the butt with my brain, I want to have some friends but when people start getting a bit too close or too intense for me, I sabotage things. Maybe I've got a "dog in the manger" brain as it keeps doing this to me.

It did the same thing to me a couple of days ago. I was supposed to be attending a group meeting to discuss the new groups that are starting up from next week but, as soon as I saw how many people were going to be there, I decided to retreat to the safety of my flat. As a result, when I went to a smaller meeting this afternoon, I had no idea what was going on although my keyworker did fill me in later on. There are quite a few interesting groups this month, the art group is starting up again but with a different person running it so I'm quite interested in that as I was getting bored with the sameness of the previous sessions (strange that, as change often really upsets me). Drama as Therapy starts the following week and I'm both curious and wary of it although I've agreed to at least try it for a couple of weeks. I did drama therapy several years ago but can't really remember much about it as I was really unwell at the time. This group sounds as if it'll be very different from the group I used to do and it's split into two sessions with the toughest session in the morning followed by a group lunch.

The group that terrifies me the most is the "Healthy Eating" group run by a nutritionist. My cooking skills are really basic (probably because my mother never let me anywhere near the kitchen and never showed me anything) and the people that have already signed up for the group are already fantastic in the kitchen. I guess the problem is, I don't like to fail and anything to do with kitchens and cooking make me feel like an idiot. To give you some idea, someone taught me how to make porridge earlier this week and I had to write down the instructions! Mind you, once I'd done it I was initially pleased with my effort and then, old Negative Nancy jumped in and pointed out that this was something really simple that I really ought to be able to do as I'm supposed to be intelligent!

Still, I really need some guidance with food and eating as things have really slipped since I told my dietician it wasn't worth her seeing me any more. She'd been seeing me for well over two years and I'd only just got to the point of being able to eat a minimum of two proper meals a day (including breakfast, which I used to skip) and my weight had hardly changed in that time. On top of that, the results at my latest diabetes review were nowhere near as good as I thought they were going to be. What's amazing is the fact that I managed to stick fairly well to my appointments with her for so long given my tendency to give up on anything long term.

The final thing that came out of today was news of the "leavers' group". The support service that helps me is supposed to be only for two years and that deadline is fast approaching. Most of us that are affected are pretty upset by this as we weren't told this when we first joined and the first year was a pilot so there weren't as many groups to help us. I'm not sure what will happen after this as I've not got any plans that would work. At the moment, I'm hoping that I'll be kept on in a voluntary capacity because of my technical skills and my multimedia group that has only just finished its first ten week module. If that doesn't work, I'll probably revert to spending my days watching daytime telly and playing with my iPhone as I can't see anyone employing someone like me. Like most things in my life, I think I'll end up filing it in a deep, dark corner of my brain in the hope that it gets lost as I'm terrified of the thought of moving on.

Another year notched up.

This is the first of what may be many ravings from a rather badly wired brain (I'm sure it must have come from Radio Shack). There may be less rather than more as I get easily bored with long term things. Nice to know that I can blame it on the BPD and not a Couldn't Be Ar**d attitude (see, there are advantages!).

Well, that's another year I can mark off. To be honest, I'm quite surprised I've made it to the edge of what, I guess, is middle age as I can remember a time when I thought I wouldn't make it past 25. That was probably also the time when I thought that anyone over 40 was really, really old. Not that anyone would be able to guess my age as I'm always being told that I look at least 10 years younger. My usual response to that, is that it must be the preserving effect of all the drugs and alcohol!

It's been a bit of a roller coaster of a year but without some of the really hair raising dips of previous years. I've now got a CPN who's fairly competent and has a pretty good understanding of BPD which made a change from the last one. Two weeks after my CPA (which she'd booked for my birthday), she told me she wasn't seeing me anymore as I was being transferred. Not only had this come out of the blue, she chose to tell me on a Friday afternoon when I would have to deal with the fallout over the weekend. Nice timing nursie, especially as she knew I had major issues with change and people leaving. Guess it was her parting gift to me after over two years of a very rocky relationship, needless to say, I didn't exactly shed a tear!

2009 has begun in the same way that every year has in that I've gone into hermit mode. The last time I was around people was on Christmas eve. Okay,  I've done a bit of sulking over how I had to miss out on all the good things before Christmas even though I ended up in that position because I like to play the martyr (probably because the feeling left out bit will give me a reason to feel depressed). However, it's not all of my own making (honest) - guess borderlines never make good relationships as we're always sabotaging them so we don't get too close and then end up getting hurt when people inevitably leave. The question is, am I keeping away from people because I think they don't like me (no responses to Xmas/New Year texts from me and no invites to New Year parties that I knew took place) or because I just don't want to be taken advantage of again. 

If I do show my head above the parapet in time for the group meal on Friday (it's Monday today), I know I'll get more stuff piled on me. Already, I'm supposed to be decorating the table (with what, I don't know as no-one had decided), sorting out the background music (always tricky for me as my musical tastes are a tad unique and I take any criticism of my music very personally!), putting up all the fairy lights (from where, I know not), making a drab room look nice and taking photos of the whole event (which also involves the problem of people saying "don't take a photo of me and then complaining weeks later that I left them out!).

Decisions, decisions, not something I'm particularly good at (it takes me 15 minutes to decide what cereal to have for breakfast!). Maybe I'll just put it to one side for a day or two and feed my iPhone obsession. Besides, technology stuff is so much easier to deal with, it won't suddenly stop being your friend or go off in a huff (unless you're running Windows XP) and is there whenever you need it. Anyway, who wants to sit around with 30 people you never really talk to anyway having to answer the inevitable "did you have a good Christmas?" questions (answer: no, it was as bad as always but with even more shower gel). Perhaps I'll check the telly schedules for Friday and then think about it until it goes away!!