Steps Forward

Today was a landmark day for me as I got my arrows back. Although it's only been just over a month, it feel like forever, probably because I haven't shot since the week before Christmas. It wasn't that I lost my arrows, rather, I had to hand them over to protect myself and others as I was so unwell and so my friend took care of them until I was deemed fit enough to be allowed to have my weapons back again.

It felt like a big step today to go to my friend's to collect them. Needless to say, I also rewarded myself with some more drawing stuff. All in all, it's been a good day in spite of the weather which was pure rain all day. Now I can look forward to going back to archery club tomorrow night after a very long break. While I'm not expecting to get really high scores, I am hoping I won't disgrace myself too much, if only I can remember how to put my bow together (maybe I'll do a practice run at home before I go).

I've also provisionally booked my Summer break this morning. Yesterday, my nurse and I talked about having some planned respite as a way of stopping me from getting ill. In the New Year, which is one of my bad times, I plan to go back to Snowdon as I did so well there. For the Summmer, I'm looking at a place called Forresters which is on the coast in Southampton. Having looked at it online, I think it would be the ideal place for me so I rang them up to ask if there were vancancies for the week beginning 16 August and luckily, there are still places available. All I have to do now is get the forms filled in with my nurse and send them off. This week really feels as if things are looking up.

Never rains but it pours

I thought things were going far too well for me. Last night, I noticed a few problems with my eyes, basically, I was finding it hard to see properly and realised I was guessing at things on my computer screen as well as seeing double and seeing halos round lights. My friend had told me I needed to see a doctor but I hoped that everything would be ok by the morning.

Having tried to do some stuff on my laptop this morning, I realised the problem hadn't gone away so I phoned for an emergency appointment. Luckily, I got one within 5 minutes so I had to drive to the surgery as I'd never make it in that time walking. The doctor that I saw has made me an emergency appointment at the eye clinic - I'm just waiting for the hospital to phone me to confirm the details. It does worry me especially as the doctor mentioned glaucoma which I'd been tested for less than two months ago. Hopefully, it'll turn out to be nothing. All I want is to have my eyesight back to normal so I can see to do things like drive and use my laptop. Ok, I'm not completely stuffed as I'm writing this but I'm relying on spell check far more than I normally do to help me write. Maybe I need more sleep, maybe I've got an infection or maybe my eye condition is worsening. Watch this space.....

In the meantime, I've got to keep a closer eye on my blood pressure and cholesterol. This afternoon, my mother called me to tell me that whatever caused her heart attack is hereditary so she was told to warn us. Luckily for me, I already get both those checked because unluckily, I already need treatment for both of those conditions. At least it explains why I've got some of the conditions I'm battling.

Too Quiet

So far today, things have been a little too quiet. I'd half expected a row from my neighbour over the rubbish issue the other day. I did have to check my bins today as the excess rubbish has gone. She may have put it in another person's bin but as long as it isn't in mine, I'm fairly happy with it. I've been out for quite a bit today which was ok until I realised that I can't see well enough to be able to drive in the dark which was a bit scary! I've also been on a bit of another spending spree and ended up getting a monitor and wireless keyboard (which I'm using to write this) as I thought it would be easier on my eyes.

I get the feeling I'm going to be glued to my laptop for quite some time as my new drawing programme arrived this morning and I've already been having fun with it creating a new wallpaper for my screen. Maybe money doesn't buy happiness but it certainly helps smooth the ride! Just don't tell my friend what I've been doing as I'm sure she'll hit the roof if she sees another new gadget!

I can tell I'm having a good day as I picked up the phone and called my mother today to make sure she's still ok. This isn't something I normally did, in fact, I would do my best to avoid making that phone call. As I hoped, she's fine and has even been out shopping with my dad so I'm glad she's still doing ok.

Anti-social behaviour

One of the reasons I ended up in respite care was because of my neighbours. Not only do they do things to annoy me, they're often very noisy and don't appear to consider other people. When I came back from respite, the noise did seem to be a little better but I've just discovered their behaviour hasn't improved. I'd just gone out to put some boxes out in my recycling bin and happened to check in my rubbish bin to see if it had bee emptied while I was away. I didn't expect to see several bags of someone else's rubbish in there.

Having checked my neighbour's (full) bin, I realised it had to be her as the bags were all the same type. In fact, as her bin was already full, it looked as if she'd split her rubbish between my bin and the one belonging to the downstairs flat. Being me, I wasn't going to put up with this, so I emptied my bin, stuffed 3 bags in her bin so it's now overflowing and left the rest on the pavement by her bin. I could understand rubbish being put in the wrong bin if they weren't labelled but I put my flat number on both my bins as soon as I got them to avoid this sort of behaviour.

I presume she thought she could get away with it as I'd been away (I'm assuming it happened while I was away). If the woman had the slightest shred of decency she would have at least apologised for this. Unfortunately, it's not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last. I could complain to my housing association like I've done before but it doesn't seem to make the slightest difference, besides, the only proof I've got is the fact that they were the same type of bags in both bins. I've half a mind to rig up my video camera so I can catch her at it as it's the only way I'm going to get anywhere with it.

It annoys me because I went away for a break from all this and within days, the trouble is starting up again. It's all very well saying "do your relaxation exercises" but it's not so easy when the gobby mare is disturbing my peace.

Relationships

I've been thinking today about relationships, in particular, friendships. I have two main relationships, one is a genuine friend, the other was given to me in the form of a befriender and this latest rough patch has really put both of them to the test. My genuine friend, who I shall refer to as my friend, has been there as much as possible, coming round to see me, taking me out and bringing me endless food parcels. My befriender, on the other hand, has been conspicuous by her absence.

we're supposed to meet on a regular basis in an effort to get me to go out more often but the last time this happened was around mid-December (two months ago). Normally, when I get ill, I cut all communication but this time was different. I've tried my best to keep her up to date with everything that happened with me. Sometimes, I might get a reply to a text the same day, more often, though, replies took much longer.

The point of this relationship is to support me through my illness and it has failed miserably. While it's not the first time this has happened with a befriender, I know it's not my fault this time. I've said when going out was a problem because I couldn't drive. While I don't expect anyone to be a mindreader, surely a proper response to this would be "how about I come over and pick you up". This hasn't happened even though she knows where I live so I really think it's time to call it a day on this one.

I wonder if I'll ever get a befriender who works for me? I've had a few, but as these were students, the relationships were short lived due to exams and moving on. The ones that could be long term have always failed because they didn't meet my needs. All I ask for, is someone to go out with me on a regular basis and come up with ideas for places to go. Surely, that's not too much to ask for or am I setting my sights too high?

Reality?

If I hadn't noted the phone call I had with my dad last night about my mother, I would have thought I'd dreamt it. It seems bad news is coming thick and fast as I've just had a call to say that someone I've known for a very long time has died. It's quite hard to hold onto reality in moments like these and also makes me think there can't be any sort of god because people around me are getting sick and dying.

On the good side, I had a review this morning and while I've still got to stay on the meds, I can have my arrows back so I can make plans to go back to archery. I haven't shot since before Christmas and have really missed it over the past few weeks (which must be a sign that 'm getting better). The tiredness is still bothering me so I've been told to split on of my tablets so I take half when I get up and half later in the day. The bad news is, I might have to stay on the antipsychotic for the foreseeable future as it's helping me although the dose might be lowered when I've fully recovered. When that will be, I don't know although I've been told nothing should change while my mother's in hospital.

Shock

Today was generally an uneventful day. Yet again, I was feeling tired all day and at 8pm I decided to go to bed. I'd just settled down when I thought I heard my mobile ring. As I recognised the ringtone as belonging to my parents, I got up to check and found a message from my dad. Unlike my mother, if he sounds concerned, it is going to be genuine so I rang him back.

Then came the great shock as he told me my mother's had a major heart attack and is in the Coronary Care Unit. Even though I have a rocky relationship with my mother, this news hit me hard and the first thing that went through my head as he said "major heart attack" was that she was dead. As my parents think I'm away until tomorrow night, I couldn't do anything like go round there as it'll blow my story out of the water, besides, I'm still not sure I can drive and I've taken my evening meds so there's no way I should be driving.

Luckily, I could call up my good friend who calmed me down and told me things to do such as phoning the hospital to see how my mother is and getting them to pass on a message to my mother. Much as I detest the woman, I do feel sorry for her for being so ill - it's not something I'd wish on anyone especially something a frightening as a heart attack.

The hardest part is probably yet to come as my dad has asked me to not do anything that would stress my mother. Given the nature of our relationship, this could be quite tricky but 'll give it my best shot. Maybe this will be the turning point in our relationship.

A New Routine

My first night back at home was quite good, I was so exhausted that I went to bed shortly after 8pm and didn't wake until after 10 the next morning. I'm still struggling with constant tiredness although I'm a little more alert this evening. The tiredness seemed to hit me mostly during the day when I've struggled to find things to keep myself occupied.

Things sort of picked up this afternoon when my Sky box appeared to die. Luckily, I've got it insured but it turned out all I needed to do was a reset which unfortunately wiped everything I had left to watch. At least I wasn't left without one of my major lifelines! I also finished the piece of music I started writing about 10 days ago and transferred it to my iPhone so I can listen to it wherever I am and decide on any changes. It's been a while since I added any of my own pieces to my iTunes library and was pleased to see I've got over half an hour of music on an album. Maybe one day some of it will get a public performance (one of the pieces has been played in public in an earlier version).

My friend phoned this evening to check on me and it felt strange to talk to someone. Over the last week, I got used to talking to people frequently through the day, now, after only one day, I'm finding it strange to talk to one person. I'm also falling into bad habits with my eating already as my friend told me I hadn't eaten enough today as I'd only had a banana since I got up. Sometimes, trying to manage everything on my own without the prompts I was getting last week is very difficult.

Back home

well I'm now back home after my week away. Leaving was much harder than I thought. To begin with, my last day was just like any other day there then I texted a friend to say I was all set to leave and the tears started. I guess it was the thought of leaving the new friends I'd made. I've certainly learned a lot from this week away. Most of all, I've learned that I'm actually much better off when I'm around people and I can cope with having people so close to me. Before this break, I thought I was best off being a solitary person and I could never live with other people.

It didn't take me too long to get used to being back, I've already been online ordering more clothes and software and am gradually catching up on all the telly I recorded over the week. I'm not sure how I'll manage with the change of sounds and lack of people but it's going well so far at least I can now smoke indoors, something I've not been able to do all week and I don't seem to be feeling as tired as I was this morning. I'm hoping that the benefit that I got from this week will carry on, everyone said how much more relaxed I was by the end of my stay, now if only that feeling will stay with me!

Finally there!

Well I finally made it to respite after a tremendous amount of red tape! I've reached the halfway point of my stay. The day I left home was fraught with red tape and I really thought I'd never make it here but shortly after 4pm I had arrived.
It was too late for me to go shopping so I had a meal cooked by the manager. Luckily, the previous ICB (in crisis bed) person had left a few essentials like tea & coffee to tide me over until the next day when I would have to shop for my own food.
I've been really surprised by how well I've adapted to living with people. I guess it helps if those people are welcoming & helpful. My fellow residents are certainly that and they've reallyvhelped me settle in. My biggest worry now is, how do I cope going back to living on my own? I also wonder what habits I'll slip back into - I've got a good routine here and having people check on me for medication and food has really helped. Also, because I have to smoke outside, I'm getting plenty of exercise going up & down the stairs every time I want to smoke. Not forgetting, of course, the new friends I've made.
Maybe it's too early to be thinking about negative things like that. Perhaps I'll just focus on the roast lunch that I'll be getting tomorrow!
Oh yes, and watch all the rugby that's on the telly.

Counting the hours.

This time tomorrow, I'll be relaxing in respite care. Or at least, I hope I will be. The nurse that came today was surprised that no-one had told me what the travel arrangements will be. Sadly, she didn't know either so I've got to wait for a phone call tomorrow morning to find out. Unlike last month, when I first thought I was going, I've been quite relaxed about packing and still haven't got around to doing it. Maybe I'll leave it until later when there's nothing on the telly!

Today has been another one of those mixed days. I walked down to the chemist first thing to collect my medications only to find that the long list from the doctor's still hadn't arrived even though I put the request in a week ago. On the way back, it started to snow a bit and as it was very cold, I didn't fancy another walk later to collect again. First of all, I had to locate the prescription which turned out to be still at my doctor's surgery. For some reason, they'd not put it in the box for the chemist to pick up (time to bash head against a brick wall). Everything turned out okay in the end as my friend offered to pick everything up for me later and bring it round to me.

The rest of the day has flown by as I spent most of it playing around with my upgraded music writing software after sorting out all the difficulties with it over the weekend. I'd forgotten how good it felt to write music and while my work will probably never be played by a great orchestra, it felt pleasing to me. Even that emotion which is so simple to most people is a good sign for me as I'd been feeling fairly flat for most of the time.

The nurse arrived in the early evening with my medication and to check on me. This week, some of my medication has been increased which I found slightly puzzling. It also means I'm on a higher dose from tomorrow which could make respite interesting. At least it means I'll be knocked out at night as I've been given an even higher dose at night. The nurse was able to answer a lot of my questions about respite which has put my mind slightly at rest. However, as I told her, I'll be stressed and anxious about it no matter how much I know until I get there and see it all for myself. Wish me luck!

48 hours to go

I'm now counting down the hours until I got to respite (it's probably less than 48 hours by now but this is a rough guess). Last night, I was drooling over TV cards for my new laptop as I want to be able to watch TV while in respite but don't want the fuss of bringing my TV. Originally, I was going to be really good and get the bus into town to pick up the item I'd reserved at PC World but I really didn't have the energy today so, being Sunday and probably quiet on the roads at 11am, I decided to take the risk and drive.

Luckily, I made it there and back in one piece but I now realise that I'm not fit to drive as I felt very unsafe and made several basic errors that I wouldn't normally make. At least I know by experience that I'm not fit to drive so I don't feel guilty about relying on my friend to drive me to places. Also, I now have everything I could possible need while at respite, all I have to do is check what I've already packed and add in the few items that are still missing.

I did get a phone call from the HTT earlier but decided I didn't need to see them today, maybe because the 6 Nations rugby is on the TV and I didn't want them interrupting it. Besides, they'll have to come tomorrow with my medication and it'll give them time to find answers to my questions about respite. Although I'm quite stressed and anxious, I'm doing my best to distract myself (this blog being one of the skills) and have managed to stay safe for the last few days which is a major achievement for me!

Lazy Saturday

Actually, this didn't start out as a lazy Saturday as the postman woke me up just after 9am knocking on my door to give me an envelope that wouldn't fit through my door. As I was still half asleep, I decided to go back to bed for a couple of hours - 9am isn't a time of day that my body recognises!! The rest of the day has been pretty good for a change, I had a decent night's sleep (always a big plus point in my book) and the new medication I've been put on for my diabetes seems to be working as my blood sugars were down to single figures for the first time since New Year's Day.

It's still hard for me to remember exactly what I've just done as several of my pills affect my short term memory, but I do know that I cleared some space on my old laptop and downloaded some music. I pay a monthly subscription to get 40 tracks a month and I haven't visited that site for quite a while, partly because of my mood and partly because of the lack of space on my hard drive. As I'd been away for so long, the site offered me a month free, why they wanted me to confirm it, I don't know, who would turn down 40 tracks for free? At least I've now got some new music to listen to while I'm away next week.

I did have a bit of a setback later in the day, I went to upgrade my music writing software, paid my money and then found I couldn't download the update due to red tape. A couple of weeks ago, this would have resulted in some serious self harm by me but all I did today was shout and swear and then fire off a couple of emails asking for help sorting it out. This is real progress for me and shows me that ,as much as I hate them, the pills are working - just don't tell anyone I said it! I've also managed to wash and change my bedding for the first time in absolutely ages which makes me wonder exactly what the meds are doing to me, maybe I'll come out of this a totally reformed character.

My week in respite is approaching very fast, in less than 72 hours I'll be there and I still haven't checked my packing list. Admittedly, I didn't really unpack from when I first thought I was going so there shouldn't be too much to bring. It's just a question of sorting out the little things like, should I bring my new laptop or my old one? I guess the only thing I really need the old one for is my music library and that'll be on my iPods that I'm going to take with me so new laptop will get an outing. The feeling I've got about this reminds me of when I used to go away when I worked - a certain amount of anxiety tinged with a degree of excitement about being away. If it's half as good as people have led me to believe, then I'm sure I'll have a good time there and come back ready to face the world as my old self again.

The Day After

You know those days when you just can't get up, I had one of those today. I don't know if it was the stress of my diabetes appointment yesterday or the excitement of my new laptop, but I just couldn't sleep last night. Every half hour I got up as I couldn't get comfortable in bed and my eyes just wouldn't shut. Before I knew it, it was 4am and I was still struggling to get to sleep. Eventually, I did manage to get off and the next thing I knew, it was 10 to 2 in the afternoon. I only knew this because my friend had rung me to see how I was and was shocked to find I was still asleep. I'm pretty sure I could have managed a couple more hours if she hadn't rung me!

This has had the effect of completely throwing me for the rest of the day. I knew I had to eat with my 1st dose of medication and I also had to walk to the chemist to get my other medication, at the same time, I was aware that the Home Treatment Team would be ringing me after 1pm to tell me when they would be visiting. I'm not sure how I managed it, but by 3pm I'd eaten and been out for a walk. Shortly after that, I was due to take some more medication but had to remember to delay it by at least a couple of hours due to getting up so late.

As it turned out, I needn't have rushed out. I sat waiting for the phone call for several hours. In fact, when it got to 5pm, the voices in my head told me that they'd forgotten about me and I deserved to be forgotten. I guess phone calls are like buses, you wait ages for one and then suddenly 3 come at once. first, my dad called to see if I was going to play in church on Sunday. I bit the bullet and told him I wasn't up to it so now I can relax about the weekend. Second, the HTT called to say the nurse that was coming had chosen to avoid the rush hour traffic which is why I hadn't heard anything but he would be coming in 45 minutes. Finally, my friend phoned to see how I was and to see if the HTT had called. At least I was able to vent some of my feelings about yesterday, getting up late and the delay in the call from the HTT.

Having had today's home visit, I'm much more relaxed now especially as I know that some of my questions about respite such as medications and transport will be answered on Monday. I'm hoping that tonight will be a better night - I'm feeling quite tired now but that could all change over the next few hours. Each time I went to bed last night, I thought I felt tired but I was unable to shut my eyes and sleep for several hours. Maybe if I just stop thinking and stressing about it, I might do better.

Good Bits & Bad Bits

Today has been a very mixed day with some extremes. It started quite well when some software I'd ordered arrived, I also ordered some specialist batteries so that I could use the drawing tablet I'd bought years ago with my new drawing software. I was also expecting my new laptop and spent most of the morning staring out of the window in a vain attempt to make the delivery van arrive sooner.

By lunchtime, nothing had arrived and my friend arrived to take me to the hospital for my diabetes review. I really didn't want to go as I knew it wouldn't be good news and I knew that as soon as I left, my delivery would arrive. There was no chance of staying at home though, as my friend insisted I had to go. As expected, I was still waiting in the corridor half an hour after I was due to see the doctor and my stress levels were rapidly rising. things weren't helped by the nurse weighing me and checking my blood pressure - both readings were much higher and the nurse didn't seem to listen to me when I said there was no way my weight was that much as I knew I'd lost weight.

As I expected, the news about my diabetes wasn't good, although my cholesterol levels had only risen very slightly, my long term glucose control had shot up to 9.2 (it was 7.7 in September). This hit me quite hard but luckily, the female doctor that I saw was prepared to look at the whole picture and I didn't feel that she was disappointed in me (doctors, take note, this is very important to all patients). The bad news is, I have to take yet another medication, the good news is, it's a pill rather than injections which I don't think I could cope with at this stage although hypos (very low blood sugar levels) are a common reaction with this pill so I have to monitor my sugar levels even more closely than I have been doing (when I remember or when my friend reminds me!).

By the time we'd made a detour to Tesco so I could stock up on tobacco and then stopped off at the chemist to get my new meds, it was getting quite late and I dreaded getting home to find a card saying they'd tried to deliver my laptop but had taken it back to the depot as I wasn't in. Luck was on my side as there wasn't a card and when I checked the website, it had only gone out for delivery at 13.30 so I'd managed to get home in time. Now all I had to do was get rid of my friend as I don't think she'll be too happy with me for buying so much stuff (even though I had to get rid of my excess savings). Fortunately, she only stopped for a mug of tea and left to try to beat the traffic. Shortly after that, my wonderful, sleek and ultra-fast laptop arrived.

One of my excuses for having it is, it'll give me something to focus on until I go to respite as its a new operating system that I have to get used to. It's certainly kept me very occupied this evening and there haven't been any bad thoughts, voices or visions to disturb me. All I need to be able to do is to switch it off and go to bed, otherwise, I can see me sitting up half the night playing with it!

Parental snobbery

I was always reluctant to tell my parents about my mental health diagnosis, probably because I had a pretty good idea of what my mother's attitude towards it would be and the words "helpful, supportive and understanding" weren't in the mix. Admittedly, she's been fairly good about my current relapse but the cracks have started to show today. I usually play the organ at a local church on Sunday mornings as it gives me a connection to music (I don't go for the religious experience as I can't understand why anyone would believe in a god). It also happens to be the church that my parents go to and my mother has always attempted to, at the very least, stick her nose in and, at the very worst, control me and what I play.

I did tell her that I would be going to respite (although I didn't call it that, I just said I was being given a week away and she seemed to be okay about it (yes, inside, I know it's nothing to do with her but our relationship is very complicated). She appeared to take great delight in having the authority to tell the priest that I was unwell but it now seems she had twisted it into a complicated lie as she has told me to be very careful what I say to him and to not say I'm going on holiday. I just didn't have the energy to get angry with her but inside I was close to erupting as there was no need to make up stories about what was going on with me.

I have now tried to straighten things my end by phoning the priest and telling him what has happened (without giving him all the gory details). This makes me feel much happier as I know the truth has been told. How my mother will take this, I don't know as I'm sure she was in the process of concocting an elaborate story of how I was very ill with a mysterious illness and she came running to my rescue. She even tried to push me into moving back with her but that's the last thing I need and will probably result in my being sectioned for trying to murder her. I've also told her that I don't want her phoning me every day to ask if I'm better. She doesn't seem to understand that my problems will not be cured overnight and asking me every day if I'm better will only make me worse. Perhaps she means well, but I don't think she's bright enough and lacks the empathy necessary to truly understand.

I don't think I'm asking much of her, I don't want money or physical things, I just want some space to recover and to be allowed to be an individual who can make her own decisions. Surely, that's not too much to ask?

Finally, a good day

Today didn't start to well as I was woken by the postman knocking at the door. As it was after 10 am, I decided there wasn't much point in going back to bed and shortly after getting dressed, I went for a short walk to the chemist to collect my medication. Shortly after I got back, there was another knock at the door which turned out to be a delivery man with some of the goodies I ordered online over the weekend.

At about 1.40pm, my friend phoned me to see how I was which was fortunate as I'd forgotten to take my medication. If she hadn't phoned, I wouldn't have realised until the next reminder on my phone at 3.30 by which time I wouldn't have bothered to take any pills as everything would be out of sync and that's when the trouble would have started.

The really good thing has just happened when I received a phone call from the Home Treatment Team just now. They wanted to know if I wanted the bed in respite from tomorrow for a whole week. For me, that was just too short a notice period, besides, I'm expecting my new laptop to arrive by the end of the week. they were quite happy for me to have it next week so it looks like everything's turning out all right. My gadgets are coming, I've got a new doctor Who DVD to watch and my "holiday" is booked for next week! In the meantime, I'm sitting here getting all excited about the new medication that the nurse is supposed to be bringing over tonight. Things are looking up after all.