Do I exist?

I've been pondering this question quite a bit over the last week or so. There was supposed to be a club shoot (for my archery club) on Sunday and I thought it would be something I would be able to do as the distances were within my capabilities and I might be able to get my first handicap.

There've been quite a few problems with shooting times at the club lately since the football club started using the facilities. This looked like an advantage for me as it meant the Sunday morning sessions were moved to 1 p.m. which meant I could make it. Although I was really anxious, I decided to bite the bullet and give it a go. When I arrived, the place was packed as the football was still going on so I sat in van where I felt secure. I sat and waited and waited and waited, but no-one turned up. As the targets hadn't been moved since Friday night, I was pretty sure that the shoot hadn't taken place that morning but by 1.45 p.m. there was still no sign of anyone and I was feeling pretty fed up by now so I went back home and did some serious comfort eating.

This afternoon, I was supposed to have a meeting with my nurse and another member of staff. As this meeting had been booked over three months ago and my nurse had been on leave last week, I rang in on Friday to leave a message asking for confirmation of this meeting as my nurse had let me down a couple of weeks ago and the other member of staff had left a couple of months ago. The meeting wasn't until 2 p.m. and I was tied up doing something else from 12.30 until just after 1.30 but I would still be able to make it. 1.30 rolled around and I still hadn't been contacted (on my mobile). Knowing my luck, I thought, she'll have called me at home while I was out. This would make things really tight as I would just have time to go home, check the phone messages before going to the meeting which I might make by the skin of my teeth. This wasn't ideal for me as I normally have to be at everything really early. I needn't have panicked as there was no message so I didn't need to rush.

The downside was feeling that I didn't matter, that although things have been going wrong and I've asked for help, no-one has been there. Fast forward to 4.10 p.m. and my nurse has just phoned and was talking as if nothing in particular has happened even though I told the receptionists what was stressing me out. According to my nurse, another member of staff did try to call me last week but "couldn't get through or I didn't answer the phone". That excuse might have washed if I had been able to get out but I was stuck at home all last week without transport. I've just checked the caller log on my phone and there is no record of any such call so someone's not telling the truth. It seems that once you've been given the label of "patient", people can say whatever they like and they will be believed rather than me. Yes, I've got a badly wired brain that sometimes rebels but I'm not stupid so please don't say you've done something when you haven't as it's not helpful.

At least now I know I've got an appointment for a home visit from my nurse (let's hope she turns up this time). Now all I've got to do is face my diabetes review tomorrow. Fortunately, I've got someone coming with me who's prepared to sit in the appointment with me and tell the doctor what's been going on if I'm not able to. I just hope they don't add in even more medication!

Here comes the storm.

It seems that difficult (or in my mind, bad) things don't seem to happen individually but, like buses, seem to vanish for a while only to come along several at a time. Things started just over a week ago when I was expecting a home visit from my CPN. There was I, all prepared with the kettle ready and a fresh pack of chocolate biscuits and I waited, and waited, and waited. At this point, I usually hear the annoying voice that tells me she's not coming but I knew that she's often late so I just told it to shut up. By the time I realised that she wasn't coming, it was too late to phone to find out why and as it was Friday afternoon, I wasn't going to get any answers soon.

My social circle is very small and both the people that I could have turned to for support were abroad (talk about bad timing) so I was left with no-one to turn to. Over the weekend, I sunk very low and ended up shutting myself off from everyone until the following Friday when I had an appointment with another member of my care team. I told him what had happened and although he said words that were sympathetic, he had no solutions. I myself was somewhat distracted during this appointment as I knew my van was sitting in the car park with an open driver's window due to some problem with the electrics. I did, however, ask the receptionist what had happened to my nurse the following Friday. She confirmed that the appointment had been booked and that there wasn't any explanation apart from the fact that maybe my nurse had forgotten about me. Given how important consistent relationships are for me, this was not good news, especially on a Friday as there's no support over the weekend!

Feeling pretty low and left out, I went home to try to sort out the problem with my van window thinking it may just be a piece of grit causing the problem. Half an hour after trying to work it out, I gave up and called the AA out as I knew I wouldn't be able to go indoors and just leave my van. I've already been broken into twice in the last year or so and didn't fancy my chances of still having a van in the morning. They were pretty quick and the guy that turned up was, after a generous dose of WD40, able to shut the window. The downside was, it would need a proper repair job or else I could just never open that window again.

Okay, I thought, there must be plenty of garages near me, this should be easy and I can do it without having to call my father for help (he spent his life repairing vehicles but he's quite old now and if I asked him, I would then have to deal with everything my parents would want in return). Not being mechanically minded, I was getting stuck looking for a suitable garage and ended up calling the one where I bought the van (and where my father used to work). They had a pretty good idea of what work might be needed - I'd be without my van for two days and be looking at a £300 bill.

Cue major stress and anxiety - driving to the garage would be tough never mind getting back. I looked at hiring a car but at a minimum cost of just over £100 it would be way too much for me, even the £300 bill was going to be hard on my pocket so I would have to brave the buses. Fortunately, one of my friends had returned from holiday and she was able to give me a lift back from the garage. She also suggested I ask if I could leave it the afternoon before it was booked in as it would be an impossibility for me to be able to drive (or even get up) before 8 a.m. (blame the drugs and insomnia for that one).

So far, so good but then the real bombshell hit the following day when the garage phoned me to explain exactly what I needed. Apparently I needed a regulator and the bad news was that Nissan were charging £514 for the part. Even the garage thought this was expensive which means it must have been really pricey if even they thought it was excessive. Add in the cost of labour and I'm now looking at a bill of £710 just so my window can open and close. Having driven over the weekend, I knew it had to be done as it was incredibly stressful for me to drive around with the window closed (it's part of my "routine" to have the window open and any change to my routines is very stressful for me and can contribute to a relapse). It would also take time to get the part so I'd be without my own transport for even longer.

By now, I knew I was heading for serious trouble. The combination of things going wrong with being home alone is never good so I decided to bite the bullet and try to get to my pottery class on the bus. I knew it would take about an hour (as opposed to 10 minutes driving myself) but at least I wouldn't be on my own, I'd be able to find out where my nurse was and I'd be able to get a lift home afterwards. I managed to sit on my anxiety during the journey but by the time I got there, I was almost in tears due partly to the fact that I realised I had two other big expenses related to my van due in the coming month.

Fortunately, the receptionist was sympathetic to my troubles. Unfortunately though, my nurse was on leave all this week and I couldn't see whoever was on duty until after 3 p.m. which was no use to me if I wanted a ride home. That wouldn't have been much use to me though as I can't deal with people who don't know me when I'm heading for a crisis. I asked about the cover that my nurse was supposed to have arranged and was told there was no note of it.

Arrangements were made for a member of staff to phone me today to talk about everything that's happened in the hope that a solution could be found, even just off loading things can sometimes help. Well, I've waited for that call and it hasn't happened. I may be paranoid sometimes, but this looks like a real attempt to push me into a full-blown crisis. I did the right things and asked for help but, for some reason, it's not been forthcoming and it's now got to the point where little things are now really bad.

What makes it worse is the fact that I feel let down by my nurse. I had a series of really poor care co-ordinators which didn't help my mental health and I thought I'd landed on my feet with this one as she really seemed to care and appeared to be reliable. How wrong I was, maybe the world has better things to think about than my well-being and at the moment, I think I'm joining them in not caring about whether or not I'm well or even here.